first poem

Heart’s Honest Desire

I’m lost

Lost in the darkness

Darkness of one’s mind

Not trying to listen to anyone

For everyone does not convince me

That life is beautiful

That my life is alright

It not right

It’s a trash

A kind of garbage – useless

Can’t be recycled

A girl wonders why

Too much questions

Makes her dumbfounded

Thinking until she gets crazy

Addicted

Sometimes

Addiction is her shield

Shield against thinking too much

She’s a girl

A girl living for 19 years

Feeling unworthy of the 19 years

19 years have no value

For an unclear future

Zhhhhhhhzzzh…

19 years of journey

Toward truth

Sadly, the girl never found it

Questions can’t be answered

Tears can be found on her cheeks

Like the running water of a faucet

Will only cease if someone turns it off

But no one can turn it

For the girl doesn’t trust anyone

To hold her tightly

To earn her trust

The girl tries to hide the feelings-

The sad, tired heart grieves for answers

Answers that has the power to make the sun rise at night

Humanly impossible answers

The girl does not want anyone to enter her heart

She went to different churches

To find answers

Nothing is answered

Poor girl leaves the church

Never came back

Was not convinced of their beliefs

The devotees made attempts on making the girl accept Him

The girl can’t

She doesn’t know how

But she knows why-

She believes a God exist

Because the bible says

Her mom says

Her spiritual friends say

The churches say

Sad girl is not contented

She desires God

Not from the words of others

But from God himself

If god is real

The girl asks him

“talk to me”

Make a sound

A sound I can hear

A sound that will prove you’re real

Hopeless Ana can’t hear

The sound she dreams to feel all night

Can’t sleep because of thinking

Thinking why…

Why can’t she hear?

Or see the face of Jesus

That was witnessed by Thomas and Mary Magdalene

Why can’t she

Sadness takes place in her heart

Damn mind makes her insane

Until one day the heart and mind loses hope out of so much pain

One day, she’ll make a decision

She’ll stop the pain by herself

Godly words aren’t enough.

The real sound of God wouldn’t reach her

One day, she’ll stop the pain

She’ll kill the torturing mind

And she’ll say goodbye to her grieving heart of despair

March 11, 2010

7:20pm